Back to Basics

    Alright so I know nobody reads this blog, it's on blogger first of all and we don't have proper meta-tagging here, which sucks but Ill have to deal I guess - but I am posting this as a testament to myself, if you are somebody reading this then no worries, the content will not be any less reader-friendly!

BACK STORY TIME WOO!

    I stopped posting on this blog a millenia ago, and along with that halt in posting I seem to have let my religious practices slip out my darriare and into oblivion - needless to say my life is sh*t now. A month or two before the end of the school year rolled around I began hanging out with some of my old elementary buddies again and made some new friends along the way. They were all amazing, straight shooting people at the time who never smoked, never did drugs or for the most part even drank. My one friend however began dabbling into alcohol and got to a point where he would drink a 24 of MGD (Canadian Beer) alone, in a couple of evenings. He didn't necessarily like drinking alone so I started drinking with him, drinking beers by the dozen and a few cans to boot - this process involved me pretending to be sleeping over at his house because we were ... well, I forget what my excuse was but it was very non-beer related. Note : I do not become alcoholic, I never really enjoyed drinking that much. Around this time my sister happened upon several cuban cigars, so I purchased one from her and smoked it with my friends. Through this process we found that one of our other friends was housing a large stash of cuban cigars as well, so over the course of a couple weeks we smoked dozens of them (for you cigar smokers out there, they were amazing and I highly recommend getting your hands on some). From this I began smoking primetime cigars (cigarette shaped and sized cigars sold in 10's and 20's for twice the cost of cigarettes) and began smoking those quite regularly.

    My smoking habit formed before the end of the school year, and I hid it from my girlfriend. She had smelled it on me a few times, and I - like the idiot I am - lied to her about it on several occasions. Now comes summer time, very early in the summer my drinking buddy asks me if I would try marijuana with him, now before this I had never once thought about trying it - to me it was just a substance that some people used that I had no interest in. However now with the mentality of marijuana that I had and to this day still have, was totally fine with trying it. A day later I go to his house to hang out, we go out into the park and he pulls out a joint. I distinctly remember talking about nothing but the fact that I didn't feel high, but that my thoughts were acting different in such a way that I must be high. I expected this to be the only time I smoked weed, however a couple days later we did it again, then again and again and again, you get the idea. A couple weeks into this weed smoking marathon I had a friend of a friend get me a pack of cigarettes, as I was running low on cash (not because of weed, but because of primetimes) and smoked my first cigarette. I am now addicted to nicotine and am finding it VERY hard to quit as a result of this. After the first time I smoked weed I was fired from my job, to make matters worse and I became very lazy and didn't really want to get another job. I went and picked myself up a couple of wooden pipes to smoke my own weed with and started buying my own weed, and smoked it frequently - never really skipped a day as far as my memory serves.

    At this point my girlfriend begins to see what is really going on, and the truths all start pouring out. I had begun to shun our dates to go and smoke up with my friends. Large fights ensue and within a couple of days we are broken up. (Right after our first anniversary :'( ). Now at this point I was asked if I wanted to sell weed with my drinking buddy, and of course I was fine with that - so I start selling some weed, and managed to wedge myself into a position where the police had asked me to empty my pockets (which at the time had about 12 grams of purple kush), I removed my phone and my wallet and told them that was all I had, luckily for me they had no reason to suspect me of any wrong-doing and couldn't search me. Me and dealer buddy escaped unscathed and I quit selling, in the end having lost about 10 dollars. (Smoked profits and start-up costs). Now I continue to smoke weed but find a job, and I remain employed well into the next school year, however I did lose another job in that time but I won't go into detail. The entire rest of the summer and the first month or two of school was just FILLED with marijuana, purchased myself tonnes of glass, a nice bong and several pipes which I loved -- then tragedy strikes. Me and my sister were caught not once, not twice, but 3 times smoking weed by our parents. I was kicked out of my house over this period of time for a total of about a week and a half, in which time I had seeked out a place to live but was unable to make down-payments and had to come home or risk street living (which in our city literally means gang life or die for teens). Now my parents have straightened me out to not smoke weed any more and I am trying to straighten my life out - me and my girlfriend are back together (which I may have fu*ked up already, only 2 weeks into the relationship) and I am quitting smoking (tough battle). I have officially been clean for 42 days and still going strong.

TITLE RELATED POST CONTENT TIME WOO!

    So now here I am, with a boned relationship with the girl I love, that I would literally do anything to make it work (but Im a freaking asshole who keeps doing stupid stuff, so it's not looking so great right now). I'm still smoking, having nightmares, constant headaches, general bad moods, bad marks in school, no car, no job, generally just a lazy senior that has f**ked up his life. To boot, I have completely abandoned all my old religious practices.

    So now, tonight as I have 10 minutes left on my internet connection (yeah that gets taken away at 12 now too as a result of my actions) I will be going back to my forced smiling, my visualisations of what I want my life to be like, my lists of everything that I am grateful for / am grateful for that isn't actually true but I will convince myself is true etc. etc. .... It all sounds crazy, even to me, but I believe in it. My religion took me from the most hated person in every place I went to who was dealing with depression and an intense case of OCD to the great person I was through high school. Now I believe it can take me from this slump in my life back to the greatness that was me.

    So for my own reference and the reference of those reading : State of my life this evening =
1. No car
2. No job
3. Hate a decent chunk of my friends
4. My relationship is COMPLETELY fu**ed.
5. No money
6. Smoking.
7. Parents basically despise me
8. Wake up with feelings of regret, sadness and general unwillingness to do anything.
9. Bad marks in school (failing a class as we speak, that I was really good at before)
10. Generally unappreciated

    Tonight I shall create my list, I shall visualize beautiful things, and I shall go to sleep with a smile on my face, a genuine one. Tomorrow morning I shall awaken and generate happy thoughts and put my pants on with a smile on my face. This pattern shall continue for the next little while and Ill check in later - to see how positive energies have affected my life.

The Last Chance

by Me

Can't quit it
The thinking, the thoughts
Of untold pain

How to solve
This nasty problem
You cannot fail

It cannot be you
Who takes the fall
It wasn't you, after all

She did it,
She went behind you
and hit on that

The guy who was
Once your friend
The flirting ensued

In front of your eyes
As plain as day
Why not 'us', but 'they'?

Doesn't want to talk about it
Will always deny it
You can't do a thing about it.

You love her, you do
Would do anything
For her, and you

An ultimatum, yes!
This can go on no longer
Must stop, one way or one more

You must speak
To a degree
of the pain you are feeling

Stop this madness,
or you and her,
will be no more.

Photography Takeover - A Personalesque Blog

My life recently has been very confused, I hate to say it that way but that is the way that it is. I can remember back to quite a while ago when I decided I really wanted to do video editing, and I was really starting to get good at it for a bit there, but then some crazy new things started to happen in my life. Amongst these were getting my car and license, oh lord I cannot begin to describe how over-joyed I was that day - freedom to go to and fro as I please, see who I want when I want and do what I want when I want. This paired with an overbearing school+work schedule left the old parts of my life in tatters. I.E My counter strike source clan, 28 Rounds Later was left in the dust by my sexy, puke blue 94 Dodge Colt, and I couldn't help but feel bad about it. As a message to those guys from 28RL who are reading this (Dot, Gucci?) I want to come back, I do, I just have strange priorities right now, haha. With that I also lost contact with some of my old friends, who I spoke with all the time on the bus and in turn hung out with them in school, not once over the last 2 months have I spoken to Jeffrey, well, there was that one time that his cheap mother came in with him to get the cheapest laptop available, with no geek services or service plans (poor mistake, for you bought a netbook that WILL break, lol). But in any case, I left a lot of loose ends behind in my old life, just little things that I really wish that I was able to tie in with my new lifestyle.

Now I am able to see photography as one of those things that is changing in my life, like my car. The other day, GIBB5 asks me if I want to go take some pics, I had never used my camera for the last 2 years and accepted (a chance to go drive around in my car? Hell yeah!). Well now I notice that I have been spending a lot of time with him lately so I invite my girlfriend along so that I can kind of hit 3 birds with one stone, so to speak. And it worked out well, yielding 2 cool photos IMHO and my #2 pic in my album "Sharing" IMO. Now the night after GIBB5 comes over to watch a movie he has found and we see on facebook some time into the movie "IT SNOWED, FINALLY" and we can't help but think, YEAH RIGHT?, and sure as heck, it snowed. So of course, my new found lust for photography I grab my camera and head out to take some pics, yielding but more really cool shots in my opinion. All in all, I am HOOKED on photography, every waking moment I cannot wait to get out and take some new photos, concepts racing through my mind, the desire to go chase new scenes and find new inspiration - begging the internet for feedback and opinions, searching for poetry to inspire my work and asking friends to show me their stuff to get some ideas. Scowering the internet and daily deviations as a kicker to get me out there taking more pics.

I am very happy with this little addiction to photography, as it were, the only problem is, is it really what I want? When I take into account - Car, School, Work, Girlfriend, Battlefield 3, and now Photography - I have left behind so many loose ends, 28RL, Video editing, youtubing, Daily Boothing, Rubiks Cubing, No Lifeing and All Nighting. All things that I enjoyed - spending my evenings online chilling with Nadia! and facE, maybe Dot. would pop in or I would get a chance to talk to StormStriker. I would post new things on the forum to spark up interest for the members to be more clan active like my Crackhouse Achievements System, or my Edit Shoppe. On top of this, hardcore gaming, nightly skype chats with GIBB5, taking the bus with Jeffrey, actually having a weekend to myself, and even being confined to my house instead of having the freedom of a car. I lose a lot of greatness in my life, and for what? Is this new life what I really want, is it really what I want to lead?

This is what I am struggling with now - As you can tell I have a serious 1st world problem here.

I am so happy now that

This is an exercise that I have decided to start doing in my notebook, under the 'christian ethics' section, due to a lack of places else to put it. This little exercise is quite simple and is designed to allow me to attract that which is positive to my life, and as a result (like air pressure) force the negative out. This idea was brought to me by 2 sources, the primary being me watching the movie "the secret" and dr. proctor sharing this method. So I gained the actual idea from him, but what drove me to want to try it was something else.

My christian ethics teacher assigned something for the thanksgiving season, to write a list of 100 things we were thankful for in our lives. This was crazy, I couldn't think of 100 things to write down. But I took the assignment VERY seriously and on friday night I sat down and wrote down as MANY as I possibly could. I came up with a list of 200 different things. Now here is the part that bothers me, I went to sleep in the mindset of what I was thankful for in the past (leading up to the point I was in, e.g. family, money etc.) and the next day at work I dealt with nothing but angry, swearing customers, and I ended up locking myself away and doing training on the computer, dwelling on the bad customers, when that was all done I went back out and dealt with nothing more than more angry customers. I came home and reflected on the events. I decided to change this list of things that I was grateful for from the past, and turn it into what I am happy for having in the present.

This, however is slightly more complex than that, because the list is not just what is true, but is rather what I desire, what makes me happy, and anything I can think of that is positive. For example, the opening line in my list might be : "I am so happy now that I drive a corvette to school." Now, I write this list in paragraph form, and allow it to make me really feel like the things that I am writing are true, with every new line I visualize that which I have written down, and allow the thoughts to fill me. I created one list last night, and I am writing one now (11:00 AM) and am about to go to work at 12:00. The results of a change in attitude from the past, to the present(aka future) should hopefully be positive.

RESULTS:

So I didn't stop at just making the list in the morning, I went a step further, brought some paper to work and at every free moment I had, I wrote down something to be happy for. Like I said earlier, it was rarely something I was happy for in the present (though, I did write about my girlfriend quite a few times :) ) I tried to focus on ideas and concepts relating to my life that would make me happy if they changed in that way, one example of this is "I am so happy now that everybody that I speak with respects me as a person" and I would truly feel that that was how my life was. The day ended up not going as well as I had hoped, however not one time was a sworn at, and every customer I had was respectful, and almost every encounter I had was a positive one. So the day dragged on for some time but all in all I had a FAR better day today than yesterday, and I plan to continue this throughout my days as I go to work, and in school, and hopefully will I not only be having better days at school and work, but I will also bring about all of these things that I am writing about! :)

My Religious Beliefs - Part 1

OK So I was going to write all this out in advance and post it, and I have like 8 pages of stuff written out, but I am deciding to just take the title of the section and write about it from heart. I figure that will probably get the point across a bit better. However I also predict jumpiness in the text, so bare with me.

(GAH! Opens binder to discover the rings have fallen out already. Cheap binders for the lose, anyways)

Creation

____________________________

Every religion has some theory of creation, some are scientific, some believe in God conjuring up the universe in 6 days, and some say many other things. Mine is one of the OTHER categories. I find myself trying to explain my theories to friends and family, only to have them spoonfeed it back to me in a christian way, trying to prove to me that my beliefs are all christian, which they aren't. So I will give the basic run-down that might make it seem kind of christian.

"The Feral thought manifested the universe, and my existence from nothing, all that existed before this universe was that feral thought, it is all that truly does exist and all that will ever exist. It crafted the universe in such a way that it was satisfied, and finally put me in it." So that may seem a bit christian, but I tell you now that it isn't. Feral thought, you may think that is just God. WRONG. "God" created everything from nothing, has always existed, is all the exists, and is all that will ever exist, HOWEVER. God created all of man equal. Feral thought created only me, and has put everybody else at my command.

No, this isn't satyre, I am not going against the will of the universe. What feral thought is, is basically my own thought and power of creativity, which has manifested basically something for me to do. The universe is my playground, where I am free to do what I want and be happy in what I do. So basically I was bored as nothing but floating ideas, and so I have imagined this world to live in, and a body to inhabit, people to encounter and buildings to live in, all of it was created by my imagination. Now here is where I can see some controversy coming in >>

" So you think that the world is yours to command? You think you can do WHATEVER you want!? ", NO, well, yes, but that isn't the point. While based on my belief, who cares what I do, if I went through the effort of creating this universe, why waste it by doing stupid stuff in it, the point of creating it in the first place was to have something fun to do. So why waste my time being and idiot and doing whatever stupid stuff, when I could just do what makes me happy. In this case I have created computers which I love, and so I spend my life being lawful and doing this, because it is something to do. I don't know if that makes any sense, but hopefully it does.

The fact that my feral thought is what created the universe, that ties to many other wild possibilities that I will touch on in later posts, so what you can expect will be :

-Can I control the feral thought from my physical body?

-What kinds of things could I do if I can control the feral thought?

-Why put myself in this world?

-What is the goal?

And lots of other fun stuff, so hopefully I will touch on that soon. Until then,

Cheers.

8 Words Response

This is a response to a blog post by a teacher of mine, Pastor Hendrickson, who's blog post can be found here : http://immersedinmystery.blogspot.com/2011/08/eight-words.html

Now, I read this blog post which he had created around the beginning of August, explaining a sort of revelation that he felt when he went to a cafe known as the 8 words cafe, which was owned by a pastor of his faith and he was told what these 8 words were, and came up with his own 8 words. Initially I found that the irony of the lucky woman to be getting married had the last name 'husband' to be quite funny. But in any case, if you read through the post at least somewhat thoroughly you will come to the conclusion that the 8 words, are the 8 words that really define what christianity is all about.

Love God with All

Love All with God

These words really spoke to me, as a non catholic, in my own ways. Now to clarify (since I have yet to post my religious beliefs on here, coming soon :P) I do not believe in God, I do not believe in creation, I do not believe in an afterlife or a divine purpose. At the same time I do not believe that our world was created purely as a result of science. So these 8 words seem like they would not make any sort of impact on me, however they did. I took these 8 words and began to hypothesize what I could possibly do with them to conform them to my beliefs.

This won't make much sense until you know my religious beliefs a bit better but in any case here is what I came up with.

Nothing.

That is what is driving me crazy, I find this to be fairly profound. I may just be too tired to come up with something but with every aspect of the christian religions I have been able to tie my religious beliefs to some aspect of christianity (loosely), but no matter how loosely I tie the shoelaces on these 2 commandments, I cannot really come to a good version for myself. I was able to come up with a bit of something, though. So I will share what I have come up with anyways.

There are 2 lines in the 8 words, the first 4 are easy for me to pair up to my religion.

Love God With All - This is basically saying that you must love God with all 4 aspects of your life, physical, emotional etc. - I can relate this to my religion, since 'primal thought', or the God of my religion required absolute devotion to be able to give us exactly what we demand.

The second of the 4 word sets was.

Love All With God - This is where I get lost, please bare with me as I will be explaining this further in a later post(s) but, basically, there is little to no point to love or care for others in my religion, unless it benefits you. Yeah yeah I know it sounds nasty, but when you really debunk it, you realize how charity and helping others is easily the mot benificial thing to do in what I believe, but is certainly not the focus, by any means. For this reason I am unable to make a perfect conformity of the 8 words to my religion.

Alladin and Philosophy

So today I was thinking, and for some reason this totally random idea popped into my head. So I was planning on making my next few posts based around my religious beliefs, I am going to sort of sidestep the original plan, and post something a little different, which still relates to my religious beliefs.

So this whole idea was sparked by a conversation that I had with my little brother when we were on a drive to get gas in my car and get slurpees for my siblings. We were talking about (don't ask me how this conversation came up, I really do not know) subtraction in some sense. I am sure that it was just me contradicting something he said and then he attempted to explain it in this way. "If you have 8 apples, and you give 4 of them away, you only have 4 left." Now here is where my religious beliefs come into play. My little brother doesn't really understand the basis of my beliefs and is very christian, going to a catholic school and all the rest of it. So I attempted to put a little philosophy into his head.

If you have 8 apples, and give 4 away, that must mean that you believe that you have enough apples to give away, and thus you will always have more than enough apples to give away, and therefore will never be stuck with just 4 apples. Basically the way I justify this will be explained more with some future blog posts where I explain in detail my understanding of manifestation. But basically, what one believes to be true, will be true. This goes through a certain range of steps starting from the thought, than the belief (subconscious) to the manifestation (primal thought, also known by some as God), and then back to us as inspiration.

I don't know how understandable that is, it is very late but anyway. I was then thinking about alladin at one point for some reason and that conversation came to mind in the same moment, and my brain pretty much fused the two ideas together. Alladin, is a street boy who has to steal his apples and bread to eat, we learn this very early in the movie when we meet his character, however we also learn that when he steals an apple, he won't necessarily keep it for himself, as he sees 2 little children who are hungry, and gives his food to them. The beauty of this to me, is that alladin ends up marrying a princess and having bounteous wealth beyond his imagination, why? Because he has believed for many years that he has more than enough to give away to those in need, and now he has all that he could possibly give away.

This extends further into the story of alladin and I can relate many different aspects of the story to my religious beliefs, I may take a crack at it in the future, just better preparing myself to write something more proper, maybe I will use my christian ethics class to write it. (Sorry Mr Hendrickson ha ha)

Let me know if you can relate Alladin's generosity leading to wealth to your religion too!