Alright so I know nobody reads this blog, it's on blogger first of all and we don't have proper meta-tagging here, which sucks but Ill have to deal I guess - but I am posting this as a testament to myself, if you are somebody reading this then no worries, the content will not be any less reader-friendly!
BACK STORY TIME WOO!
I stopped posting on this blog a millenia ago, and along with that halt in posting I seem to have let my religious practices slip out my darriare and into oblivion - needless to say my life is sh*t now. A month or two before the end of the school year rolled around I began hanging out with some of my old elementary buddies again and made some new friends along the way. They were all amazing, straight shooting people at the time who never smoked, never did drugs or for the most part even drank. My one friend however began dabbling into alcohol and got to a point where he would drink a 24 of MGD (Canadian Beer) alone, in a couple of evenings. He didn't necessarily like drinking alone so I started drinking with him, drinking beers by the dozen and a few cans to boot - this process involved me pretending to be sleeping over at his house because we were ... well, I forget what my excuse was but it was very non-beer related. Note : I do not become alcoholic, I never really enjoyed drinking that much. Around this time my sister happened upon several cuban cigars, so I purchased one from her and smoked it with my friends. Through this process we found that one of our other friends was housing a large stash of cuban cigars as well, so over the course of a couple weeks we smoked dozens of them (for you cigar smokers out there, they were amazing and I highly recommend getting your hands on some). From this I began smoking primetime cigars (cigarette shaped and sized cigars sold in 10's and 20's for twice the cost of cigarettes) and began smoking those quite regularly.
My smoking habit formed before the end of the school year, and I hid it from my girlfriend. She had smelled it on me a few times, and I - like the idiot I am - lied to her about it on several occasions. Now comes summer time, very early in the summer my drinking buddy asks me if I would try marijuana with him, now before this I had never once thought about trying it - to me it was just a substance that some people used that I had no interest in. However now with the mentality of marijuana that I had and to this day still have, was totally fine with trying it. A day later I go to his house to hang out, we go out into the park and he pulls out a joint. I distinctly remember talking about nothing but the fact that I didn't feel high, but that my thoughts were acting different in such a way that I must be high. I expected this to be the only time I smoked weed, however a couple days later we did it again, then again and again and again, you get the idea. A couple weeks into this weed smoking marathon I had a friend of a friend get me a pack of cigarettes, as I was running low on cash (not because of weed, but because of primetimes) and smoked my first cigarette. I am now addicted to nicotine and am finding it VERY hard to quit as a result of this. After the first time I smoked weed I was fired from my job, to make matters worse and I became very lazy and didn't really want to get another job. I went and picked myself up a couple of wooden pipes to smoke my own weed with and started buying my own weed, and smoked it frequently - never really skipped a day as far as my memory serves.
At this point my girlfriend begins to see what is really going on, and the truths all start pouring out. I had begun to shun our dates to go and smoke up with my friends. Large fights ensue and within a couple of days we are broken up. (Right after our first anniversary :'( ). Now at this point I was asked if I wanted to sell weed with my drinking buddy, and of course I was fine with that - so I start selling some weed, and managed to wedge myself into a position where the police had asked me to empty my pockets (which at the time had about 12 grams of purple kush), I removed my phone and my wallet and told them that was all I had, luckily for me they had no reason to suspect me of any wrong-doing and couldn't search me. Me and dealer buddy escaped unscathed and I quit selling, in the end having lost about 10 dollars. (Smoked profits and start-up costs). Now I continue to smoke weed but find a job, and I remain employed well into the next school year, however I did lose another job in that time but I won't go into detail. The entire rest of the summer and the first month or two of school was just FILLED with marijuana, purchased myself tonnes of glass, a nice bong and several pipes which I loved -- then tragedy strikes. Me and my sister were caught not once, not twice, but 3 times smoking weed by our parents. I was kicked out of my house over this period of time for a total of about a week and a half, in which time I had seeked out a place to live but was unable to make down-payments and had to come home or risk street living (which in our city literally means gang life or die for teens). Now my parents have straightened me out to not smoke weed any more and I am trying to straighten my life out - me and my girlfriend are back together (which I may have fu*ked up already, only 2 weeks into the relationship) and I am quitting smoking (tough battle). I have officially been clean for 42 days and still going strong.
TITLE RELATED POST CONTENT TIME WOO!
So now here I am, with a boned relationship with the girl I love, that I would literally do anything to make it work (but Im a freaking asshole who keeps doing stupid stuff, so it's not looking so great right now). I'm still smoking, having nightmares, constant headaches, general bad moods, bad marks in school, no car, no job, generally just a lazy senior that has f**ked up his life. To boot, I have completely abandoned all my old religious practices.
So now, tonight as I have 10 minutes left on my internet connection (yeah that gets taken away at 12 now too as a result of my actions) I will be going back to my forced smiling, my visualisations of what I want my life to be like, my lists of everything that I am grateful for / am grateful for that isn't actually true but I will convince myself is true etc. etc. .... It all sounds crazy, even to me, but I believe in it. My religion took me from the most hated person in every place I went to who was dealing with depression and an intense case of OCD to the great person I was through high school. Now I believe it can take me from this slump in my life back to the greatness that was me.
So for my own reference and the reference of those reading : State of my life this evening =
1. No car
2. No job
3. Hate a decent chunk of my friends
4. My relationship is COMPLETELY fu**ed.
5. No money
6. Smoking.
7. Parents basically despise me
8. Wake up with feelings of regret, sadness and general unwillingness to do anything.
9. Bad marks in school (failing a class as we speak, that I was really good at before)
10. Generally unappreciated
Tonight I shall create my list, I shall visualize beautiful things, and I shall go to sleep with a smile on my face, a genuine one. Tomorrow morning I shall awaken and generate happy thoughts and put my pants on with a smile on my face. This pattern shall continue for the next little while and Ill check in later - to see how positive energies have affected my life.
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