The Last Chance

by Me

Can't quit it
The thinking, the thoughts
Of untold pain

How to solve
This nasty problem
You cannot fail

It cannot be you
Who takes the fall
It wasn't you, after all

She did it,
She went behind you
and hit on that

The guy who was
Once your friend
The flirting ensued

In front of your eyes
As plain as day
Why not 'us', but 'they'?

Doesn't want to talk about it
Will always deny it
You can't do a thing about it.

You love her, you do
Would do anything
For her, and you

An ultimatum, yes!
This can go on no longer
Must stop, one way or one more

You must speak
To a degree
of the pain you are feeling

Stop this madness,
or you and her,
will be no more.

Photography Takeover - A Personalesque Blog

My life recently has been very confused, I hate to say it that way but that is the way that it is. I can remember back to quite a while ago when I decided I really wanted to do video editing, and I was really starting to get good at it for a bit there, but then some crazy new things started to happen in my life. Amongst these were getting my car and license, oh lord I cannot begin to describe how over-joyed I was that day - freedom to go to and fro as I please, see who I want when I want and do what I want when I want. This paired with an overbearing school+work schedule left the old parts of my life in tatters. I.E My counter strike source clan, 28 Rounds Later was left in the dust by my sexy, puke blue 94 Dodge Colt, and I couldn't help but feel bad about it. As a message to those guys from 28RL who are reading this (Dot, Gucci?) I want to come back, I do, I just have strange priorities right now, haha. With that I also lost contact with some of my old friends, who I spoke with all the time on the bus and in turn hung out with them in school, not once over the last 2 months have I spoken to Jeffrey, well, there was that one time that his cheap mother came in with him to get the cheapest laptop available, with no geek services or service plans (poor mistake, for you bought a netbook that WILL break, lol). But in any case, I left a lot of loose ends behind in my old life, just little things that I really wish that I was able to tie in with my new lifestyle.

Now I am able to see photography as one of those things that is changing in my life, like my car. The other day, GIBB5 asks me if I want to go take some pics, I had never used my camera for the last 2 years and accepted (a chance to go drive around in my car? Hell yeah!). Well now I notice that I have been spending a lot of time with him lately so I invite my girlfriend along so that I can kind of hit 3 birds with one stone, so to speak. And it worked out well, yielding 2 cool photos IMHO and my #2 pic in my album "Sharing" IMO. Now the night after GIBB5 comes over to watch a movie he has found and we see on facebook some time into the movie "IT SNOWED, FINALLY" and we can't help but think, YEAH RIGHT?, and sure as heck, it snowed. So of course, my new found lust for photography I grab my camera and head out to take some pics, yielding but more really cool shots in my opinion. All in all, I am HOOKED on photography, every waking moment I cannot wait to get out and take some new photos, concepts racing through my mind, the desire to go chase new scenes and find new inspiration - begging the internet for feedback and opinions, searching for poetry to inspire my work and asking friends to show me their stuff to get some ideas. Scowering the internet and daily deviations as a kicker to get me out there taking more pics.

I am very happy with this little addiction to photography, as it were, the only problem is, is it really what I want? When I take into account - Car, School, Work, Girlfriend, Battlefield 3, and now Photography - I have left behind so many loose ends, 28RL, Video editing, youtubing, Daily Boothing, Rubiks Cubing, No Lifeing and All Nighting. All things that I enjoyed - spending my evenings online chilling with Nadia! and facE, maybe Dot. would pop in or I would get a chance to talk to StormStriker. I would post new things on the forum to spark up interest for the members to be more clan active like my Crackhouse Achievements System, or my Edit Shoppe. On top of this, hardcore gaming, nightly skype chats with GIBB5, taking the bus with Jeffrey, actually having a weekend to myself, and even being confined to my house instead of having the freedom of a car. I lose a lot of greatness in my life, and for what? Is this new life what I really want, is it really what I want to lead?

This is what I am struggling with now - As you can tell I have a serious 1st world problem here.

I am so happy now that

This is an exercise that I have decided to start doing in my notebook, under the 'christian ethics' section, due to a lack of places else to put it. This little exercise is quite simple and is designed to allow me to attract that which is positive to my life, and as a result (like air pressure) force the negative out. This idea was brought to me by 2 sources, the primary being me watching the movie "the secret" and dr. proctor sharing this method. So I gained the actual idea from him, but what drove me to want to try it was something else.

My christian ethics teacher assigned something for the thanksgiving season, to write a list of 100 things we were thankful for in our lives. This was crazy, I couldn't think of 100 things to write down. But I took the assignment VERY seriously and on friday night I sat down and wrote down as MANY as I possibly could. I came up with a list of 200 different things. Now here is the part that bothers me, I went to sleep in the mindset of what I was thankful for in the past (leading up to the point I was in, e.g. family, money etc.) and the next day at work I dealt with nothing but angry, swearing customers, and I ended up locking myself away and doing training on the computer, dwelling on the bad customers, when that was all done I went back out and dealt with nothing more than more angry customers. I came home and reflected on the events. I decided to change this list of things that I was grateful for from the past, and turn it into what I am happy for having in the present.

This, however is slightly more complex than that, because the list is not just what is true, but is rather what I desire, what makes me happy, and anything I can think of that is positive. For example, the opening line in my list might be : "I am so happy now that I drive a corvette to school." Now, I write this list in paragraph form, and allow it to make me really feel like the things that I am writing are true, with every new line I visualize that which I have written down, and allow the thoughts to fill me. I created one list last night, and I am writing one now (11:00 AM) and am about to go to work at 12:00. The results of a change in attitude from the past, to the present(aka future) should hopefully be positive.

RESULTS:

So I didn't stop at just making the list in the morning, I went a step further, brought some paper to work and at every free moment I had, I wrote down something to be happy for. Like I said earlier, it was rarely something I was happy for in the present (though, I did write about my girlfriend quite a few times :) ) I tried to focus on ideas and concepts relating to my life that would make me happy if they changed in that way, one example of this is "I am so happy now that everybody that I speak with respects me as a person" and I would truly feel that that was how my life was. The day ended up not going as well as I had hoped, however not one time was a sworn at, and every customer I had was respectful, and almost every encounter I had was a positive one. So the day dragged on for some time but all in all I had a FAR better day today than yesterday, and I plan to continue this throughout my days as I go to work, and in school, and hopefully will I not only be having better days at school and work, but I will also bring about all of these things that I am writing about! :)

My Religious Beliefs - Part 1

OK So I was going to write all this out in advance and post it, and I have like 8 pages of stuff written out, but I am deciding to just take the title of the section and write about it from heart. I figure that will probably get the point across a bit better. However I also predict jumpiness in the text, so bare with me.

(GAH! Opens binder to discover the rings have fallen out already. Cheap binders for the lose, anyways)

Creation

____________________________

Every religion has some theory of creation, some are scientific, some believe in God conjuring up the universe in 6 days, and some say many other things. Mine is one of the OTHER categories. I find myself trying to explain my theories to friends and family, only to have them spoonfeed it back to me in a christian way, trying to prove to me that my beliefs are all christian, which they aren't. So I will give the basic run-down that might make it seem kind of christian.

"The Feral thought manifested the universe, and my existence from nothing, all that existed before this universe was that feral thought, it is all that truly does exist and all that will ever exist. It crafted the universe in such a way that it was satisfied, and finally put me in it." So that may seem a bit christian, but I tell you now that it isn't. Feral thought, you may think that is just God. WRONG. "God" created everything from nothing, has always existed, is all the exists, and is all that will ever exist, HOWEVER. God created all of man equal. Feral thought created only me, and has put everybody else at my command.

No, this isn't satyre, I am not going against the will of the universe. What feral thought is, is basically my own thought and power of creativity, which has manifested basically something for me to do. The universe is my playground, where I am free to do what I want and be happy in what I do. So basically I was bored as nothing but floating ideas, and so I have imagined this world to live in, and a body to inhabit, people to encounter and buildings to live in, all of it was created by my imagination. Now here is where I can see some controversy coming in >>

" So you think that the world is yours to command? You think you can do WHATEVER you want!? ", NO, well, yes, but that isn't the point. While based on my belief, who cares what I do, if I went through the effort of creating this universe, why waste it by doing stupid stuff in it, the point of creating it in the first place was to have something fun to do. So why waste my time being and idiot and doing whatever stupid stuff, when I could just do what makes me happy. In this case I have created computers which I love, and so I spend my life being lawful and doing this, because it is something to do. I don't know if that makes any sense, but hopefully it does.

The fact that my feral thought is what created the universe, that ties to many other wild possibilities that I will touch on in later posts, so what you can expect will be :

-Can I control the feral thought from my physical body?

-What kinds of things could I do if I can control the feral thought?

-Why put myself in this world?

-What is the goal?

And lots of other fun stuff, so hopefully I will touch on that soon. Until then,

Cheers.

8 Words Response

This is a response to a blog post by a teacher of mine, Pastor Hendrickson, who's blog post can be found here : http://immersedinmystery.blogspot.com/2011/08/eight-words.html

Now, I read this blog post which he had created around the beginning of August, explaining a sort of revelation that he felt when he went to a cafe known as the 8 words cafe, which was owned by a pastor of his faith and he was told what these 8 words were, and came up with his own 8 words. Initially I found that the irony of the lucky woman to be getting married had the last name 'husband' to be quite funny. But in any case, if you read through the post at least somewhat thoroughly you will come to the conclusion that the 8 words, are the 8 words that really define what christianity is all about.

Love God with All

Love All with God

These words really spoke to me, as a non catholic, in my own ways. Now to clarify (since I have yet to post my religious beliefs on here, coming soon :P) I do not believe in God, I do not believe in creation, I do not believe in an afterlife or a divine purpose. At the same time I do not believe that our world was created purely as a result of science. So these 8 words seem like they would not make any sort of impact on me, however they did. I took these 8 words and began to hypothesize what I could possibly do with them to conform them to my beliefs.

This won't make much sense until you know my religious beliefs a bit better but in any case here is what I came up with.

Nothing.

That is what is driving me crazy, I find this to be fairly profound. I may just be too tired to come up with something but with every aspect of the christian religions I have been able to tie my religious beliefs to some aspect of christianity (loosely), but no matter how loosely I tie the shoelaces on these 2 commandments, I cannot really come to a good version for myself. I was able to come up with a bit of something, though. So I will share what I have come up with anyways.

There are 2 lines in the 8 words, the first 4 are easy for me to pair up to my religion.

Love God With All - This is basically saying that you must love God with all 4 aspects of your life, physical, emotional etc. - I can relate this to my religion, since 'primal thought', or the God of my religion required absolute devotion to be able to give us exactly what we demand.

The second of the 4 word sets was.

Love All With God - This is where I get lost, please bare with me as I will be explaining this further in a later post(s) but, basically, there is little to no point to love or care for others in my religion, unless it benefits you. Yeah yeah I know it sounds nasty, but when you really debunk it, you realize how charity and helping others is easily the mot benificial thing to do in what I believe, but is certainly not the focus, by any means. For this reason I am unable to make a perfect conformity of the 8 words to my religion.

Alladin and Philosophy

So today I was thinking, and for some reason this totally random idea popped into my head. So I was planning on making my next few posts based around my religious beliefs, I am going to sort of sidestep the original plan, and post something a little different, which still relates to my religious beliefs.

So this whole idea was sparked by a conversation that I had with my little brother when we were on a drive to get gas in my car and get slurpees for my siblings. We were talking about (don't ask me how this conversation came up, I really do not know) subtraction in some sense. I am sure that it was just me contradicting something he said and then he attempted to explain it in this way. "If you have 8 apples, and you give 4 of them away, you only have 4 left." Now here is where my religious beliefs come into play. My little brother doesn't really understand the basis of my beliefs and is very christian, going to a catholic school and all the rest of it. So I attempted to put a little philosophy into his head.

If you have 8 apples, and give 4 away, that must mean that you believe that you have enough apples to give away, and thus you will always have more than enough apples to give away, and therefore will never be stuck with just 4 apples. Basically the way I justify this will be explained more with some future blog posts where I explain in detail my understanding of manifestation. But basically, what one believes to be true, will be true. This goes through a certain range of steps starting from the thought, than the belief (subconscious) to the manifestation (primal thought, also known by some as God), and then back to us as inspiration.

I don't know how understandable that is, it is very late but anyway. I was then thinking about alladin at one point for some reason and that conversation came to mind in the same moment, and my brain pretty much fused the two ideas together. Alladin, is a street boy who has to steal his apples and bread to eat, we learn this very early in the movie when we meet his character, however we also learn that when he steals an apple, he won't necessarily keep it for himself, as he sees 2 little children who are hungry, and gives his food to them. The beauty of this to me, is that alladin ends up marrying a princess and having bounteous wealth beyond his imagination, why? Because he has believed for many years that he has more than enough to give away to those in need, and now he has all that he could possibly give away.

This extends further into the story of alladin and I can relate many different aspects of the story to my religious beliefs, I may take a crack at it in the future, just better preparing myself to write something more proper, maybe I will use my christian ethics class to write it. (Sorry Mr Hendrickson ha ha)

Let me know if you can relate Alladin's generosity leading to wealth to your religion too!

Upcoming Posts

I am presently creating a documentation of my theological viewpoints, and will be digitizing it and posting it in chapter form every so often on this blog for those of you who read this blog to read and ponder. Please do create an account and comment on the chapters and call me out on flaws you find because I would love to see the depths of my own belief system and be able to ponder those things which you see that I do not.

Also will be trying to post more philosophical content as time goes on, hopefully more often than not, but between school, work, and sleeping, it is hard to find an extra second to ponder life, and it's meaning. All of my posts come from inspiration, not from me forcing new thought, if something pops up I will post it, hopefully keeping it more regular. Of course I will probably have some subconscious brainstorming, but who knows. In any case I will be posting more often so make an account and subscribe to the blog! :)

The Lonely One

So, as I sit here in the library attempting to fully learn HTML5 markup, I stare out the window and notice a few things. The first of these things is a large group of football players getting ready for practice, all standing around the equipment room getting ready. The only exception to this is one standalone kid, pacing some 5 meters away from the group. I spectate him attempting to discover what exactly is passing through his mind. What could it be? As I watch he simply paces back and fourth, 5 or 6 steps each time, stopping occasionally to scratch his head or wipe his nose with the back side of his hand. What could he possibly be thinking? Why is he alone? I notice a very particular habit in his pacing, once ever 2 turns he pulls his shirt down. Now why would he be doing this? After some amount of spectating, one of the football players calls out his name, and for a brief moment is solitary face grows bright with a smile. They converse for not longer than 3 seconds, all the while he does not once pull down on his shirt, scratch his head, or wipe his nose, he follows the conversation and chases it as long as he can, until the football player quickly retreats to the rest of his football buddies. The boy goes slack, dropping his shoulders and reducing the glow in his cheeks, he pulls his shirt down once again and returns to pacing. Some time later all of the football players have gotten changed out into their jocks and the rest of their gear, and the boy goes off to his car to get something. He returns with a bag of football gear, enters the room alone, and the fat little lonely boy changes out for practice all on his own.